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The devotional "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers never ceases to amaze me. I have been using it as a devotional on and off since 1992. The only reason I know that is because I wrote the date on the inside cover when I bought it. One of the reasons this devotional is so powerful and useful over the course of many years is that one can take a single line from any of the 365 enteries and build an entire sermon on it.
One such line struck me today:
Jesus does not take us alone and expound things to us all the time; He expounds things as we can understand them.
Recently, I have found myself unfocused and depressed. After six years of ministry with In-Step Ministries, most of which was spent doing my play "The Story of Gomer", I have been reflecting on my journey, and pining away over the fact that I am not "further ahead". Sometimes I don't even know what "further ahead" means, I just feel like I am not there. Does further ahead mean I should have more bookings? More money? A best seller published? More polished productions?
Lord, where am I supposed to be with my life and this ministry you have given me? Aren't there other people out there more qualified than me, or even already successfully doing what I think I am called to do?
Are you pleased with me? Did I not do something right? Did I miss the boat some where? What is the next step?
I mean, Lord, if you were really blessing my ministry right now, wouldn't I be so busy that I would know that going part time with my day job was a good idea? Wouldn't I have so many bookings for "Gomer" or speaking engagements that I would know this is what you have called me to do?
Instead, there is nothing today. Nothing but silence. No offers, no calls, no emails, no one wanting me to do anything.
Except Jesus.
He wants me to do something.
He wants me to come and be alone with Him.
Mark 4:34 ...But when he (Jesus) was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.
It seems like I will do just about everything except be alone with Jesus. I will call people and try to set up meetings, I will read books by famous authors on the subject, I will search the web, I will sit for hours and try to figure it out on my own, I will talk about it to my husband, my mother, my friends, and just about anyone who will listen, I will even post my dilemma on Face Book, but I will not be alone with God.
So maybe the only answer to my anxiousness is letting the Lord speak to me through a time of solitude. So many people wonder why God is silent to them. The word of God says that Jesus explained eveything to his "own disciples". Mark 4:34
Do you need Jesus to explain anything to you? If so, let's pray this prayer together:
Lord, you know my heart, and you know I am looking back at my life and realizing I am not all that I should be. You know I am anxious about the future, and wondering if you can ever use me at all. If I have failed you in any way, please forgive me, and know that I am listening for you, and I want to be obedient to what you have called me to do. Please help me not to be afraid to be alone with you, and know that any time in your presence is not time wasted. Please explain things to me, because I am ready to listen. I want to be your disciple, your own disciple. I love you. Amen.
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Geri -
When I read your blog today it was as if I was seeing a mirror into my own soul. Over the last week I have been reading Bill Hybels book "Too busy NOT to pray". It was so clear to me that my constant fight to be the self-sufficient warrior standing alone with the all the answers only gets me in trouble. When I was giving my recent performances for the Creation Museum, I prayed so ardently, "God, please don't let me screw up." My prayer was a confession of my weakness and fear, not His ability and glory. A Spirit filled, empowered prayer would have been, "God, be honored through the abilities you have given me and let people see your majesty!"
As I have a wind-down from these performances, I too have been almost saddened by what I see on the horizon. Events fall through, business opportunities look great and then are gone, and my emotions go up and down. But I know two things...I have never missed a meal - God has always supplied my need and ...